I'm Sorry, and I Love You

This is a repeat of something I just posted on my "Moment to Muse" blog. If you've already read that and don't care for a repeat...I'm sorry and I love you!" If not...read on...

Sweet and Sour has a gift. She can put on a pout face, and take a pout stance, and stand in her pout corner in less than 2.3 seconds. Let's just say this child is one we would consider "easily offended". She also tantrums very easily...usually over the slightest disturbance in her day. Sometimes she is distressed over something that never really happened. This began to wear on my nerves to the point that I began completely ignoring these "episodes". I figured this was the best solution. I'd say..."girls, just ignore her!" when her older sisters seemed concerned by some rampage being run through in the living room.

Sugar would say, "Mom, do you want me to go get her?".
"Nope.", I'd say, "That will just encourage her bad behavior".

Then, one day, completely exasperated by one of Sweet and Sours tantrums about something completely imaginary in my opinion, Sugar once again asked if she could go talk to Mount Vesuvius erupting in the other room.

"OK". I buckled.

If she wanted to coddle the tyrant, I was at the point that I didn't care what lesson was learned, I just wanted to stop the lava flow.

Suddenly, the tantrum stopped and Sweet and Sour skipped into the room and calmly requested a sippy cup of milk. I took one look at Sugar, who had a I told you sort of look on her freckled face and I said, "What did you do?".

"Mom, I've figured out that if Sweet and Sour is freaking out, no matter what it was that happened, if I say I'm sorry and I love you she's OK."

This was a parental epiphany. At first thought, I wanted to say "Why would you say your sorry? You didn't do anything wrong!?" but I thought a little deeper (this was a strain you realize) and discovered that we say we're sorry all the time when things aren't our fault. Children rarely do this, because sorry means "I did something bad I'm apologizing for", but that isn't what is should be used for exclusively. We say "I'm so sorry" when someone loses a loved one. We say "I'm sorry" when someone loses a job. We say "I'm sorry" when someone gets hurt. We even say "I'm sorry" when someone gets a bad grade...which happens to be their own fault! So, what Sugar was telling me was that she recognized that something had disturbed Sweet and Sour, and despite what it was, she was sorry about it. It could have been something naughty that got her in trouble, or the fact that her beautiful birthday balloon just popped because she chose to chew on it. Regardless, she was sorry that Sweet and Sour was hurt. Sorry doesn't justify actions, it just means we're sorry it happened.

Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. I learned something that day that I have been using with quite a bit of success with all my kids, and with others too. Sometimes when someone is throwing a fit, has been hurt, or is just about to erupt and blow lava all over everyone...you don't have to ignore them to teach them a lesson, you can and should say,

"I'm sorry, and I love you!"